Sally was trying, in her way, to tell Sam that she was upset because of his behavior last night at the party. Sam did not know what she was talking about, so he replies in a non-committed way. His reply made her think that he does not understand why she is upset; so she tries delivering the message in a different way. Sam still does not know what she is talking about, to gain more time, he answers her in a vague way. Sally looks at him crossed, thinking “what a thick headed idiot, why doesn’t he get it?” Trying to restrain her temper, she tries one more time in a new way. By now, Sam is totally confused, thinking “why is she acting all hormonal like that on me?” and calculating in his head if it is already “that time of the month”. All what Sally sees is the puzzled look on his face and she explodes.
This is a familiar scenario. Regardless of the outcome of the situation, either ending in bad argument or reaching some sort of a resolution, each of them will be left with a sense of frustration and a feeling of being misunderstood. They tried to be open about their feelings, discuss the situation as soon as possible, just as recommended, but they failed to connect. What went wrong?
The problem is, people start relationships on a false premise, which is, both of them speak the same language. It is generally assumed that if you are from the same country, the same social background, and educational level you can perfectly understand each other and see eye to eye on most issues. Well, this is wrong. If we understand the nature of personal reality, we would understand that each partner in a relationship lives in a “separate universe” governed solely by that individual’s programming. What you perceive is different from what your partner perceives, and therefore your world view is also different. And the degree of the difference depends, not on your understanding of the language, your emotional intelligence, or your sympathy to the other person, but on how much programming is shared or overlapping between the two of you.
With some people you will find communication to be a flowing stream, each one gets the other instantly. It is because a lot of your programming is shared, or at least your programming concerning certain aspect of life. For example, you might find it easier to talk to Sally when you are having a problem, but you will choose Sam if you want to go out with a friend and have fun. Sally’s “idea” of fun is not similar to yours, and Sam will not get your problem as well as Sally does. For this reason, humans need social networks to find matching and supporting partners for every aspect of their lives. And for the same reason, no one can give you everything you need in a human interaction. This also what made the internet such a vibrant community; we are no longer restricted by space to find someone who matches our way of thinking.
With some other people, the reverse of simple communication is true. Everyone experienced situations in which he was talking at cross purpose with someone else without being able to find common view points. The normal reaction would be to defend his point with as much argument as possible because he believes that he is right, and, of course, the other person is wrong. The view of someone being right and another being wrong, and the urge to defend what is right is the source of “evil” in this world. When we realize that everyone is right in his own way, and no one is wrong, we will no longer need to defend our “right”. We will accept everyone’s point of view as valid, and this attitude will diffuse tension from any relationship, including international relationships. But we are not here to restore world’s peace; we are here to find our own happiness. So when you find yourself in a relationship in which you cannot bridge the communication gap, wouldn’t it be easier that instead of trying to reach an alien universe to find another one with some familiar grounds?
I see light blog
The image is a courtesy of "Daily Drop Cap by Jessica Hische"